Certified Piece of Suck: Skatepark Reviews
Words and animation by Adam Creagan
Most skateparks (even the bad ones) are built with entirely good intentions and limited resources. From too many cooks to insufficient funding, there's any number of reasons a park can turn out quite shitty indeed. The internet is filled (in its entirety, sometimes it feels) with snarky, day-late complaining. Why add to this already-brimming cesspool? We have taken all of that into account and still feel that even honest endeavors deserve criticism. And frankly, some of these parks are worse than worthless. They can actually discourage the act of skating, which is a hell of a rotten thing for a skatepark to do. So, hold your nose as we take a plunge into the depths of bogusness.
Below, you'll find that our 10-part skatepark rating system is confusing, redundant, and animated for no real reason. It also contains an alien flipping you off.
A mysterious tribe of Stoned-Henge tweakers built this structure but they went extinct before they could build a run-up or roll-away.
Even a leprechaun couldn't sack on this tiny rail. Which is a shame, because that'd be Youtube gold.
Take your pick. But each of these 3 Stooges is as fun as a poke in the eye.
When used together, blue and yellow have a well-documented visual appeal. Not here, though.
Poor Boris. A gland defect from birth has left him nine feet tall and unable to skate Gorky park.
The locals here are gnarly! They stink, freely drop turds, and will head-butt you if you roll-in on them.
Quarterpipes are good for generating speed and are a practical way to add some transition to a park without constructing a huge bowl. But still. C'mon, dude.
Look at these little fellas.
This tetanus-encrusted rust-bucket park has lockjaw written all over it. No, seriously, LockJaw69 threw up some dope tags here. Dumb caption.
A regrettable affair between a bowled corner and a pyramid hip led to this bastard hybrid.
Don't laugh. When this thing gets hit by lightning, it will spring to life and attack everyone in sight.
You'd have more fun stomping in that bog of snow-slush than actually skating the park.
Foolish. Phallic, even.
The half-pipe looks OK, if unforgiving. It's the foreground oddities that caught our eye.
Get anything on that grass ledge and you're King for a Day.
Here's a wickedly wimpy pit. Might as well fill this bird-bath with water and make it a day-spa for pigeons.
Certified Suck Contest
The person who sends us pics of the worst skatepark or obstacle gets a free Thrasher package. Send to [email protected] (300 dpi, 5 inches wide). For the prize, pics should be of your hometown park. But you can also send whatever garbage you find out there.
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12/29/2017Behold the cursed realm of The Ditch Diablo! Take a spin through our interactive skate comic book where you choose the adventure. The consequences of your choices are the difference between LIFE and DEATH. Enter if you dare!
7/24/2017Ancient Egypt is known for Pyramids, Pharaohs, and mummies. Our research of their mysterious written language also indicates they had a ripping skate scene with unique hazards.