Certified Piece of Suck: Skatepark Reviews
Words and animation by Adam Creagan
Most skateparks (even the bad ones) are built with entirely good intentions and limited resources. From too many cooks to insufficient funding, there's any number of reasons a park can turn out quite shitty indeed. The internet is filled (in its entirety, sometimes it feels) with snarky, day-late complaining. Why add to this already-brimming cesspool? We have taken all of that into account and still feel that even honest endeavors deserve criticism. And frankly, some of these parks are worse than worthless. They can actually discourage the act of skating, which is a hell of a rotten thing for a skatepark to do. So, hold your nose as we take a plunge into the depths of bogusness.
Below, you'll find that our 10-part skatepark rating system is confusing, redundant, and animated for no real reason. It also contains an alien flipping you off.
A mysterious tribe of Stoned-Henge tweakers built this structure but they went extinct before they could build a run-up or roll-away.
Even a leprechaun couldn't sack on this tiny rail. Which is a shame, because that'd be Youtube gold.
Take your pick. But each of these 3 Stooges is as fun as a poke in the eye.
When used together, blue and yellow have a well-documented visual appeal. Not here, though.
Poor Boris. A gland defect from birth has left him nine feet tall and unable to skate Gorky park.
The locals here are gnarly! They stink, freely drop turds, and will head-butt you if you roll-in on them.
Quarterpipes are good for generating speed and are a practical way to add some transition to a park without constructing a huge bowl. But still. C'mon, dude.
Look at these little fellas.
This tetanus-encrusted rust-bucket park has lockjaw written all over it. No, seriously, LockJaw69 threw up some dope tags here. Dumb caption.
A regrettable affair between a bowled corner and a pyramid hip led to this bastard hybrid.
Don't laugh. When this thing gets hit by lightning, it will spring to life and attack everyone in sight.
You'd have more fun stomping in that bog of snow-slush than actually skating the park.
Foolish. Phallic, even.
The half-pipe looks OK, if unforgiving. It's the foreground oddities that caught our eye.
Get anything on that grass ledge and you're King for a Day.
Here's a wickedly wimpy pit. Might as well fill this bird-bath with water and make it a day-spa for pigeons.
Certified Suck Contest
The person who sends us pics of the worst skatepark or obstacle gets a free Thrasher package. Send to firstname.lastname@example.org (300 dpi, 5 inches wide). For the prize, pics should be of your hometown park. But you can also send whatever garbage you find out there.
5/28/2016This is absolutely mental. Dave risks life and limb atop a rusty basketball hoop and emerges victorious.
5/28/2016A technical genius who packs a punch on the rails. Micky is no stranger to delivering jaw dropping KOs.
5/28/2016The adidas video on PornHub, Marc Johnson off Chocolate, Chris Pfanner's part and more on today's episode of Skateline.
5/28/2016The Lost Bombers obliges the Larb with some words on the band. As seen in the May '16 issue.
5/28/2016Raney opens up about the slam that almost took his life, and how absolutely nothing would stop him from skating again.
5/28/2016What inspires Axel Cruysberghs to complete a kinky rail combo? Just blast that eurotech music. New King of the Road tonight 11pm (PST/EST).
5/28/2016Crowds gathered across the globe for the Away Days premiere tour. Whose part are you looking forward to the most?
5/28/2016Toy Machine turns hippie. Jaws competes in a pole dance contest. Elijah grinds the flaming rail of doom, and Raven has a near-death experience. Episode 4 of the TV series premiers tomorrow at 11 pm (PST/EST).
5/28/2016Sublime frontman Bradley Nowell passed away 20 years ago and yet his music stands strong. Long-time Thrasher employee Eben Sterling has an unusual story of his involvement in their very first single “Ebin.”
5/28/2016This first part from the RDS video is incredible. TJ is in complete control, ledge, rail, gap, whatever you want. Switch three Wallenberg is bonkers…