Certified Piece of Suck: Skatepark Reviews
Words and animation by Adam Creagan
Most skateparks (even the bad ones) are built with entirely good intentions and limited resources. From too many cooks to insufficient funding, there's any number of reasons a park can turn out quite shitty indeed. The internet is filled (in its entirety, sometimes it feels) with snarky, day-late complaining. Why add to this already-brimming cesspool? We have taken all of that into account and still feel that even honest endeavors deserve criticism. And frankly, some of these parks are worse than worthless. They can actually discourage the act of skating, which is a hell of a rotten thing for a skatepark to do. So, hold your nose as we take a plunge into the depths of bogusness.
Below, you'll find that our 10-part skatepark rating system is confusing, redundant, and animated for no real reason. It also contains an alien flipping you off.
A mysterious tribe of Stoned-Henge tweakers built this structure but they went extinct before they could build a run-up or roll-away.
Even a leprechaun couldn't sack on this tiny rail. Which is a shame, because that'd be Youtube gold.
Take your pick. But each of these 3 Stooges is as fun as a poke in the eye.
When used together, blue and yellow have a well-documented visual appeal. Not here, though.
Poor Boris. A gland defect from birth has left him nine feet tall and unable to skate Gorky park.
The locals here are gnarly! They stink, freely drop turds, and will head-butt you if you roll-in on them.
Quarterpipes are good for generating speed and are a practical way to add some transition to a park without constructing a huge bowl. But still. C'mon, dude.
Look at these little fellas.
This tetanus-encrusted rust-bucket park has lockjaw written all over it. No, seriously, LockJaw69 threw up some dope tags here. Dumb caption.
A regrettable affair between a bowled corner and a pyramid hip led to this bastard hybrid.
Don't laugh. When this thing gets hit by lightning, it will spring to life and attack everyone in sight.
You'd have more fun stomping in that bog of snow-slush than actually skating the park.
Foolish. Phallic, even.
The half-pipe looks OK, if unforgiving. It's the foreground oddities that caught our eye.
Get anything on that grass ledge and you're King for a Day.
Here's a wickedly wimpy pit. Might as well fill this bird-bath with water and make it a day-spa for pigeons.
Certified Suck Contest
The person who sends us pics of the worst skatepark or obstacle gets a free Thrasher package. Send to email@example.com (300 dpi, 5 inches wide). For the prize, pics should be of your hometown park. But you can also send whatever garbage you find out there.
10/10/2015You can never go wrong with a trip to Barcelona and the Pizza skateboards crew decided it was time to taste a slice overseas.
10/10/2015In a continent chock full of abundant natural resources, we decided to add a little fuel to the fire. Bands, boarding, and bumming. Well yeah, this ain't no dew tour boys. Stay tuned. –Jake Phelps
10/10/2015Philadelphians, both sober and inebriated, gathered at FDR to battle it out... Rain or Shine.
10/10/2015New colorway of our classic tee is now available in the store.
10/10/2015So many ways to get tangled up and stomped out on this one, but Taylor rises to the occasion and unlocks a wicked NBD at Hollywood High.
10/10/2015The Dirty South’s four-wheeled barbarian soaks up the latest issue. Coming in hot!
10/10/2015A skate vacation to Barcelona has to be on the top of your bucket list. The Pizza homies spent a couple weeks living the life and dropping the gauntlet. Great work, dudes.
10/10/2015Nyjah and Luan lose, Jamal Smith is back, Clark Hassler goes pro, and more in today's episode of Skateline.
10/10/2015An interview with Jonathan Mehring about his skate-photography book recently published by National Geographic. Yeah, Nat Geo, dude.
10/10/2015If Beebs doesn’t get you pumped, then there’s something wrong with you! This part has it all... Manual madness, ledge wizardry, and triple set assaults. Boom-shaka-laka!