Sporting Chance: Skate Team Logos
11/14/2018
SKATING WILL ALWAYS lurch forward in different ways and continue to mutate. But what if it evolves straight into a conventional sport? Coaches fighting over a prodigy draft pick, a heelflip scoring higher than a kickflip, cheating scandals during the playoffs. Damn... Say a prayer that it ain't ever so. The only silver lining to that nightmare scenario is that city-based teams might require some new logos. We’d be happy to help. (And don't come at us about these city line-ups. Teams can trade!)
Illustrations by James Callahan / Words by Adam Creagan
SAN FRANCISCO HILL BOMBERS
STRENGTHS: Hill bomb adrenaline / Access to the mag / Weird Andy Roy sightings / Even weirder Phelps sightings
WEAKNESSES: Bum-turd land mines / Burrito naps / “I used to skate” burnouts / Wealth vs. poverty disparity is a real shitshow
LINE-UP: Tommy Guerrero / TNT / Dennis Busenitz / Gerwer / Them GX dudes
LAS VEGAS STALEFISH
Strengths: No clocks / Pumped-in oxygen / Plenty of company when you hit rock-bottom
Weaknesses: Flabby tourists / Nightlife douchery / Blue Man Group skin rash / Elvis impersonators
Line-Up: Chad Muska / Braydon Szafranski / Ragdoll / Sammy Baca
PHOENIX SNAKE SESHERS
Strengths: Pools (if you know the secret handshake) / You can proudly wear your turquoise jewelry
Weaknesses: Sand in your bearings / Heatstroke / Wile E. Coyote / Snake bite may require venom-suck from Aaron Homoki
Line-Up: Jaws / Robbie Brockel / Nick Trapasso / Whoever got 3rd at PHX AM
SEATTLE BOLTS
Strengths: Motivated skaters / Dream-like skateparks / Skate Witches cast a spell on you / Bigfoot sightings
Weaknesses: Smells fishy / Noah’s Ark-type rain / Forlorn lumberjacks / Sasquatch attacks
Line-Up: David Gravette / Simon Bannerot / Griffin Gass
LOS ANGELES KINGPINS
Strengths: Birthplace of skate stoke / Enough filmers to get a 4th angle on your rocket-ass kickflop
Weaknesses: Hard to live up to a century of Hollywood hype / Show-business circle jerk / Traffic purgatory forces you to talk to Team Manager
Line-Up: Too many to name
MIAMI TECHNITIONS
Strengths: Beautiful women / Acceptance of strange fashions, trends, pastels / America’s dong can’t be wrong
Weaknesses: Nightlife zombies / Swamp ass / Sketchy creeps with suspicious wealth / Knowing that it's actually spelled "Technicians"
Line-Up: Jamie Foy / Zion Wright / Evan Smith / Pedro Delfino
RICHMOND, VA DIRT DOGS
Strengths: East Coast underdogs always have secret spots / Cheap living / Sleepy southern cops / GWAR afterbirth has spawned interesting freaks
Weaknesses: Confederate-era roads are urethane-unfriendly / Sahara summers, Arctic winters / Rednecks and yuppies form a yin-yang balance of bummer
Line-Up: Gilbert Crockett / Josh Swyers / Trent Hazelwood / Bernie McGrew
SAN DIEGO POOL SHARKS
Strengths: Throw a rock: hit a skate prodigy / Spotting rad ex-pros from every decade / Washington St. is polar opposite of daycare, pad-nanny parks
Weaknesses: Dudes with saltwater brains / Even the skate-stoppers have skate-stoppers / Hearing that “Smolik already landed that in 1999”
Line-Up: Wes Kremer / Tommy Sandoval / Peter Hewitt / Lots of transplant rippers
PORTLAND BOWL TROLLS
Strengths: Huge old-man army / Proximity to the shoe biz / Took the world 25 years to catch up to Burnside’s DIY ethos
Weaknesses: Annoying Portlandia quotes still linger / Mildew grows on your couch, clothes, face / Unstoppable invasion of people fleeing California
Line-Up: Mark "Red" Scott / Neil Heddings / Matt Beach / Brent Atchley
CHICAGO CARCASS TOSSERS
Strengths: Self-contained scene not tripping on the “skate industry” / The wind saves you two pushes (depends on direction)
Weaknesses: The wind adds four pushes (depends on direction) / The Sea Wall sucks—your board goes in the drink
Line-Up: Neen Williams / Kalis was there for a minute / Chaz Ortiz / Stevie Dread
DETROIT TANK GIRLS
Strengths: Hard knocks resilience / Buy a home for $9,001 / A certain poetry to urban decay
Weaknesses: Flea-bite sleep deprivation / Far-flung suburbanites all claim to know Eminem
Line-Up: Elissa Steamer / Lizzie Armanto / Leticia Bufoni / ...none are from The D, but whatever
BOSTON SPOTHAWKS
STRENGTHS: Revolutionary spirit / Wonderful, horrible shop vids / Epic tea parties
WEAKNESSES: Beantown flatulence / The cobblestone blues / Post Traumatic Jereme Rogers Syndrome / Snobby Harvard grads
LINE-UP: PJ Ladd / Ryan Gallant / Dave Bachinsky / Nora Vasoncellos
MINNEAPOLIS, MN HESHERS
Strengths: Friendly folks / Work ethic / Fuck 'yo coastal envy
Weaknesses: Unfair "Fargo" stereotypes / Frostbite will mess you up / Ice fishing is really boring
Line-Up: Steve Nesser / Davis Torgerson / Darren Navarrette / Who's that one Santa Cruz dude... Henry Gartland!
PHILADELPHIA CRETE BANDITS
Strengths: Lingering clout of late ’90s Love Park / Cheap unhealthy food / Ricky Oyola
Weaknesses: Skate a national landmark = catch a felony / Our buddy said all the babes moved to New York
Line-Up: Chris Cole / Ishod Wair / Bam Margera / Anthony Pappalardo
NEW YORK SKATE RATS
Strengths: We’re supposed to say something about pizza, right? / Raw streets / A million opportunities
Weaknesses: Raw sewage / A million distractions / The city never sleeps but your friends never skate
Line-Up: The eternal stoke of Harold Hunter / Tyshawn Jones / Not really anyone else. You can’t spend one summer there and claim NYC, man
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