Zorchémon Go: The Skate Game
Like an infectious, untreatable disease, that one phone app where you hunt down invisible monsters went viral like the Black Plague. It sucks for us, because we just happened to be putting the finishing touches on our own similar game where you snoop around for skate critters through your phone. We lost out on hundreds of millions of dollars and worldwide cultural domination but we’re not bitter. Here’s the characters we were cooking with...
Illustrations by James Callahan / Words by Adam Creagan
DESCRIPTION: This skate creature is talented enough to have sponsors but has trouble standing out in today’s saturated market. He also has trouble paying bills and affording food to eat. He’ll try to sell you a board from a company you’ve never heard of as well as three yellow-ass wheels (the fourth wheel comes free!)
COMBAT POINTS LEVEL: $4. Or best offer
RARITY: You’ll see him around. Maybe he’ll see you first
HABITAT: Skateparks and non-bust street spots
TYPE: Talented / Broke
DESCRIPTION: Here’s a tired turtle who quit skating and things have never been quite the same. His adult responsibilities crushed his spirit and now he just wants to break out of his shell and ride again. He still “skates” with his fingers around his desk and watches videos online, but the call of the wild beckons.
COMBAT POINTS LEVEL: 30-year mortgage
RARITY: He could be right by you and you wouldn’t even notice
HABITAT: Known to dwell in cubicle country
TYPE: Reptile / Kinda Overweight
DESCRIPTION: Skating is not a sport but no one ever told this over-bearing Skate Coach father. With strict discipline on his mind and organized team sports in his heart, he forces skating upon his kid. The fun soon evaporates like the hype surrounding a childish video game app.
COMBAT POINTS LEVEL: 20 push-ups and 10 kickflips
RARITY: You’ll hear him before you see him
HABITAT: Here and there
TYPE: Kangaroo / Mustache
DESCRIPTION: This mysterious spirit is said to embody skate stoke itself. He cannot be captured but he is known to appear whenever the good times are rolling. He can be summoned only by bombing a hill, learning a new trick or cheering on someone else’s make.
COMBAT POINTS LEVEL: Beyond measure
RARITY: He’s within all of us
HABITAT: Wherever the urethane spins
TYPE: Ghost / Shadow
DESCRIPTION: Born for the spotlight, this contest killer already has his sights on the next Olympics. Forget energy drinks, this stud has already lined up acne cream and teeth-whitening sponsors.
COMBAT POINTS LEVEL: Solid Gold
RARITY: More and more of them everyday
HABITAT: Indoor training facilities
TYPE: Bag / Douche
DESCRIPTION: This skatepark lurker waxes everything in sight while maintaining a shit-eating grin of pure obliviousness. It’s not clear whether he thinks wax actually helps or if he just likes watching people get smoked on slip-outs.
COMBAT POINTS LEVEL: 0 to 60
RARITY: One in every town
HABITAT: Whichever skatepark is the worst within a 25-mile radius
TYPE: Candle / Soap
DESCRIPTION: On any given day when he can’t decide whether to rollerblade, scooter, extreme pogo stick, or yo-yo, this little bastard does them all at once...plus while vaping!
COMBAT POINTS LEVEL: 420/24/7
RARITY: Not too rare at all
HABITAT: He’ll get in your way at some point or other
TYPE: Bug / Gnat
DESCRIPTION: This lunatic is a skate demon. He is a tornado of slams, makes, reckless attempts, and everything else that comes in between. He’ll clean out your fridge and pollute your bathroom, but he knows where all the best ditches and pools are.
COMBAT POINTS LEVEL: $0 for gas money
RARITY: Maybe we need more of these dudes?
HABITAT: He might crash on your couch for awhile.
TYPE: Demon / Party Animal
5/24/2018Certified Piece of Suck is our dishonorable award for botched, butchered, and just plain bad skatepark design. Here’s a look at some garbage terrain in our Hall of Shame.
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2/14/2018Feel the love (and the convenience and affordability) as you give your girl one of our free V-Day cards instead of buying her some hokey Hallmark garbage.
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