Things To Do When You're Quarantined


AT THE TIME of this writing, many parts of the world (including mine) are under strict orders to shelter in place due to the widespread outbreak of the COVID 19 virus. If you’re like me, you’re gonna be bored off your ass in about 30 minutes of house arrest, so I sat down and came up with a list of things to do in order to overcome the listlessness. And while this article is totally a joke, the Coronavirus situation is certainly not. Stay the fuck at home, please. Your grandparents will thank you for it later, assuming they’re not dead. —Words and art by Michael Sieben
TURN YOUR HOUSE INTO A SKATEPARKKinda obvious but we gotta start somewhere. If you’ve got carpet, drag in some plywood and get that flatbottom going. Walls were made for riding and furniture was made for sliding. Also, that’s not a fireplace, it’s a goddman deathbox! Google “Lance Mountain Ban This” if you need some inspiration. And if your dad gets mad, just search his browser history and use it as blackmail. 

WRITE THE GREAT SKATE NOVELSurprisingly, there’s not a lot of good books out there about skateboarding—we tend to be a more cinematic tribe than literary. So why not take this moment in time to write an epic novel about ‘boarding? If you need help getting started, here’s your first sentence: “It was love at first sight, but 15 minutes later I credit carded and split open my taint.”

START YOUR OWN SKATE COMPANYUnfortunately, there’s a damn good chance that some of your favorite skate brands aren’t going to be around when the dust settles from this atomic shit storm. That being said, this might be a good time to start your own company. Here’s some hot shit to lean on if you wanna be relevant: ripping off ideas from the ’90s and… actually that’s
about it.


FILM A BORNOWhat’s a borno? A borno is like a porno except instead of people pretending they’re making babies it’s stop-motion animation of two cardboard boxes dry humping. It’s currently very popular nowhere. Let’s try to change that, okay?
BECOME A FAMOUS RAPPERTattoo the shit out of your face, tie dye your hair, come up with a lil’ name and mumble about prescription drugs, it’s seemingly never been easier to become a famous rapper. I grew up on lyrical rap, though, so maybe I’m just old and cranky. I also grew up in the age of progressive skateboarding, but that’s a whole other can o’ worms…

SHARPEN YOUR FINGERSI’m not totally sure if this would work, but I think you could probably jam your fingertips into a pencil sharpener, give it a few twists and make your fingertips all cool and pointy. Afterwards, you could walk around your house, jabbing your stabby digits into family members and saying shit like, “Pokey, pokey, the chicken I must chokey.” [Side note: does anybody still have a pencil sharpener?]

MAKE A ’PIT ’STACHEShave your armpits and glue the hair to your upper lip. If you can’t grow armpit hair yet, cut your dad’s when he’s asleep. If you already have a mustache, glue the hair on your eyelids. If you already have hairy eyelids, you’re awesome and I want to be your friend. DM me, yo. I’m bored as fuh.

TAKE SOME DUCK PICSDuck pics are like dick pics but instead of taking a picture of your bone zone you take a photo of a duck’s dong. The Internet told me that ducks have corkscrew-shaped penises which gives me another idea—maybe you could just enjoy a glass of wine instead of trying to find a duck to exploit while you’re supposed to be on lockdown. Sorry for suggesting you should take pictures of a duck’s dick. I’m kinda drunk right now.

DIG FOR BURIED TREASUREEver wondered if there’s anything cool buried in your yard? Now’s the time to find out, so grab a shovel and start digging. Who knows, maybe you’ll unearth a mysterious chest full of creepy puppets and then launch a hugely-unsuccessful skateboard company based around them. Stranger things have happened.
  • Sieben's Skateshop Etiquette Guide

    Sieben's Skateshop Etiquette Guide
    If you’re new to skateboarding and aren’t sure how to behave at the local shop, just follow these tips and you’ll be blending in with the rest of the dipshits wandering in off the street in no time.
  • Austin Amelio Interview

    Austin Amelio Interview
    Skater, actor, painter, father—Austin Amelio wears many hats. Hear how he landed a role on The Walking Dead and find out what keeps him in the streets in this interview from our January 2022 issue.
  • Roger's "R11VM" Video

    Roger's "R11VM" Video
    The Roger crew is back, riding some video-mag vibes and flying down TX’s tallest ditches and overpasses. The cameos alone are worth the watch.
  • “Skate Dreams” World Premiere Photos

    “Skate Dreams” World Premiere Photos
    The world premiere of Skate Dreams took place Friday in Austin, TX. To celebrate, a meet and greet at No-Comply skateshop was organized followed by a product giveaway at House Park. Check the photos and keep your eyes peeled for the film’s official release date.

    Throngs of skate enthusiasts descended upon the Control Room in Austin, TX, to celebrate No Comply skateshop’s 15-year anniversary. There was even a big surprise for two of the attendees. Who were they and what was it, you might ask? You gotta scroll to find out, yo.