Things To Do When You're Quarantined

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AT THE TIME of this writing, many parts of the world (including mine) are under strict orders to shelter in place due to the widespread outbreak of the COVID 19 virus. If you’re like me, you’re gonna be bored off your ass in about 30 minutes of house arrest, so I sat down and came up with a list of things to do in order to overcome the listlessness. And while this article is totally a joke, the Coronavirus situation is certainly not. Stay the fuck at home, please. Your grandparents will thank you for it later, assuming they’re not dead. —Words and art by Michael Sieben
 
 
TURN YOUR HOUSE INTO A SKATEPARKKinda obvious but we gotta start somewhere. If you’ve got carpet, drag in some plywood and get that flatbottom going. Walls were made for riding and furniture was made for sliding. Also, that’s not a fireplace, it’s a goddman deathbox! Google “Lance Mountain Ban This” if you need some inspiration. And if your dad gets mad, just search his browser history and use it as blackmail. 

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WRITE THE GREAT SKATE NOVELSurprisingly, there’s not a lot of good books out there about skateboarding—we tend to be a more cinematic tribe than literary. So why not take this moment in time to write an epic novel about ‘boarding? If you need help getting started, here’s your first sentence: “It was love at first sight, but 15 minutes later I credit carded and split open my taint.”

START YOUR OWN SKATE COMPANYUnfortunately, there’s a damn good chance that some of your favorite skate brands aren’t going to be around when the dust settles from this atomic shit storm. That being said, this might be a good time to start your own company. Here’s some hot shit to lean on if you wanna be relevant: ripping off ideas from the ’90s and… actually that’s
about it.

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FILM A BORNOWhat’s a borno? A borno is like a porno except instead of people pretending they’re making babies it’s stop-motion animation of two cardboard boxes dry humping. It’s currently very popular nowhere. Let’s try to change that, okay?
 
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BECOME A FAMOUS RAPPERTattoo the shit out of your face, tie dye your hair, come up with a lil’ name and mumble about prescription drugs, it’s seemingly never been easier to become a famous rapper. I grew up on lyrical rap, though, so maybe I’m just old and cranky. I also grew up in the age of progressive skateboarding, but that’s a whole other can o’ worms…

SHARPEN YOUR FINGERSI’m not totally sure if this would work, but I think you could probably jam your fingertips into a pencil sharpener, give it a few twists and make your fingertips all cool and pointy. Afterwards, you could walk around your house, jabbing your stabby digits into family members and saying shit like, “Pokey, pokey, the chicken I must chokey.” [Side note: does anybody still have a pencil sharpener?]

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MAKE A ’PIT ’STACHEShave your armpits and glue the hair to your upper lip. If you can’t grow armpit hair yet, cut your dad’s when he’s asleep. If you already have a mustache, glue the hair on your eyelids. If you already have hairy eyelids, you’re awesome and I want to be your friend. DM me, yo. I’m bored as fuh.

TAKE SOME DUCK PICSDuck pics are like dick pics but instead of taking a picture of your bone zone you take a photo of a duck’s dong. The Internet told me that ducks have corkscrew-shaped penises which gives me another idea—maybe you could just enjoy a glass of wine instead of trying to find a duck to exploit while you’re supposed to be on lockdown. Sorry for suggesting you should take pictures of a duck’s dick. I’m kinda drunk right now.

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DIG FOR BURIED TREASUREEver wondered if there’s anything cool buried in your yard? Now’s the time to find out, so grab a shovel and start digging. Who knows, maybe you’ll unearth a mysterious chest full of creepy puppets and then launch a hugely-unsuccessful skateboard company based around them. Stranger things have happened.
 
 
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