Certified Piece of Suck: Skatepark Reviews


By Adam Creagan

When confronted with a crappy skatepark there’s that thing where people say, “Well, if you found these spots on the street you’d be stoked.” It’s an optimistic, glass half-full skate strategy. And it’s also a sinister mix of denial and excuse-making that avoids the obvious: These turd burgers should have been made correctly the first time. As seen in the September 2012 mag, here we go again...

Below, you'll find that our 10-point skatepark rating system is instructive, detailed, and completely unnecessary. It also contains an alien flipping you off.

If the sign out front says “Skateboard Obstacle Course,” you’re bummin'. This dog park really bites.

Parking blocks and skating have a rich history, but c'mon, even boardslides have their limits.

Winchester Mystery Handrails can only be ridden by skate ghosts.

"All the world's a stage" and so is 85% of this park. Some blockheads who didn't think outside the box poured this clunker.

Rock fakie, tail tap, rock fakie, tail tap...now burn down this thin, rinky-dink thing.

A lesson in circular logic: We clearly have here a lousy park. But that’s OK because it’s shitty anyway.

We suspected P-Shop trickery but, rain or shine, this King of Crap is all too real.

A Rosemary’s Baby that should have never been conceived.

Bath salts and dubstep must be involved here. There's also a faint whiff of an "art" installation at a European musical festival.

The hills are alive with the sound of no one skating. Here's pricey real estate with million-dollar views of a 10-cent suck park. Nice barriers, though.

A grass roll-away pierces the heart of skate stoke.

This mega-mellow snooze seems harmless but skaters have actually fallen asleep and died while riding it.

So bad it’s almost rad, here’s a monument to brain transplants.

The street skating area is not ideal. Nor is it remotely designed from a reality-based understanding of how skateboarding works. But what’s important is that they tried.

"Leve-me para o seu curso de colisão skate da morte" means "Take me to your skateboard collision course of death!"

The person who sends us photos of the worst skatepark or obstacle gets a free Thrasher package. Send to [email protected] (300 dpi, 5 inches wide). For the prize, photos should be of your hometown park. But you can also send whatever garbage you find out there.

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