Certified Piece of Suck: Skatepark Reviews
By Adam Creagan
When confronted with a crappy skatepark there’s that thing where people say, “Well, if you found these spots on the street you’d be stoked.” It’s an optimistic, glass half-full skate strategy. And it’s also a sinister mix of denial and excuse-making that avoids the obvious: These turd burgers should have been made correctly the first time. As seen in the September 2012 mag, here we go again...
Below, you'll find that our 10-point skatepark rating system is instructive, detailed, and completely unnecessary. It also contains an alien flipping you off.
If the sign out front says “Skateboard Obstacle Course,” you’re bummin'. This dog park really bites.
Parking blocks and skating have a rich history, but c'mon, even boardslides have their limits.
Winchester Mystery Handrails can only be ridden by skate ghosts.
"All the world's a stage" and so is 85% of this park. Some blockheads who didn't think outside the box poured this clunker.
Rock fakie, tail tap, rock fakie, tail tap...now burn down this thin, rinky-dink thing.
A lesson in circular logic: We clearly have here a lousy park. But that’s OK because it’s shitty anyway.
We suspected P-Shop trickery but, rain or shine, this King of Crap is all too real.
A Rosemary’s Baby that should have never been conceived.
Bath salts and dubstep must be involved here. There's also a faint whiff of an "art" installation at a European musical festival.
The hills are alive with the sound of no one skating. Here's pricey real estate with million-dollar views of a 10-cent suck park. Nice barriers, though.
A grass roll-away pierces the heart of skate stoke.
This mega-mellow snooze seems harmless but skaters have actually fallen asleep and died while riding it.
So bad it’s almost rad, here’s a monument to brain transplants.
The street skating area is not ideal. Nor is it remotely designed from a reality-based understanding of how skateboarding works. But what’s important is that they tried.
"Leve-me para o seu curso de colisão skate da morte" means "Take me to your skateboard collision course of death!"
The person who sends us photos of the worst skatepark or obstacle gets a free Thrasher package. Send to [email protected] (300 dpi, 5 inches wide). For the prize, photos should be of your hometown park. But you can also send whatever garbage you find out there.
5/24/2018Certified Piece of Suck is our dishonorable award for botched, butchered, and just plain bad skatepark design. Here’s a look at some garbage terrain in our Hall of Shame.
5/07/2018If you’re in need of psychological help, look no further. We will analyze your perception of this inkblot quiz and find out what the hell is wrong with you, weirdo.
3/29/2018Check out the weird world of skateboard astrology. The future is yours as the universe leads the way. The stars and sky would never lie, would they?
3/22/2018It's that time of the year again… Winners, losers, snoozers and boozers—they're all in here. If we left somebody out, let us know in the comments below. And remember, there's no such thing as bad press.
2/14/2018Feel the love (and the convenience and affordability) as you give your girl one of our free V-Day cards instead of buying her some hokey Hallmark garbage.