Words by Adam Creagan | Illustrations by Chris Fairbanks
BEHAVE YOURSELF. It’s not a difficult concept, but can most people do it without the threat of punishment looming over them? In this life, the hammer drops from parents, teachers, and cops. In the next life, Beelzebub has a devil put aside for you. The Seven Deadly Sins have been used for centuries to illustrate the unsavory habits that will send you slip-sliding into damnation. Each sin has a unique punishment awaiting the hell-bound. Skateboarding, thankfully, is rules-free. There's no judge and no jury (besides internet shit-talkers). Within this skate purgatory, however, there are some devils in the details...
PRIDE (arrogance) — "Fresh" gear or not, all skate rats must get filthy. And if you're fussing over your threads and discriminating against perfectly good spots, then your pride overlooks the fulfillment of skate prophecy. This revelation holds that all boards and body parts must eventually disintegrate. It's the apocalypse installment plan.
Punishment: Everlasting freestyle by way of perpetual pogo
WRATH (anger) — No ledge-dance roll-away means you commit a 7-ply homicide? Well, The Book of Duderonomy 14:43 says “Dost thou spiketh the board with stomping and much angst? Mayhaps the plank practitioner is the problem, not the plank.” Or wait, was that Shakespeare?
Punishment: Your lower lumbar gets focused by a demonic stank-foot
GREED (hoarder) — Through divine fortune you are the gatekeeper to a hidden pool or backyard ramp. However, you abuse your authority like a meatheaded, frosty-haired nightclub bouncer and you tell the kids to take a hike.
Punishment: Lucifer bans you from a never-ending legend session
SLOTH (laziness) — Science and engineering have enabled you more free-time to be both constructive and rigorously active than any other generation in history. Yet you spend it on snooze patrol, you nap-time Nebuchadnezzar. (Look him up, if you're bored).
Punishment: An eternity of bailing out a skatable pool that will never drain
GLUTTONY (overindulgence) — The Law of Diminishing Returns says, at some point, all things will lose their luster and not give you the kick in the pants they once did. You’ve seen every video, every trick, every photo, but you forgot to actually ride the board, son.
Punishment: A shroud of Ybor City locusts gives you a stinging weird-beard and mullet
ENVY (jealousy) — A good-natured roll-in barge on friends is one thing. Slithery snake-oil showmanship is another. Like so many hissing asps at the feet of the pagan serpent-god Set, thoughts of anyone getting a run but you are too much to bear.
Punishment: Padless kneeslides for infinity. Can you imagine?!
LUST (excessive desire) — As if the odors and idiotic banter of the guys around you at the skatepark aren’t clues, many females will never see your best moves. So, you wait for the demo to roll around to strut your mediocre stuff.
Punishment: You’re a star to never-aging troll dudes