Words by Adam Creagan | Illustrations by Michael Sieben
HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY? Would you believe a vast web of cosmic connections involving our solar system (and the stars beyond), affected your every minute? That’s right, whether this day brings you morning wood, wheelbite, an NBD, an STD, or just barfing up a burrito, all these things are influenced by your galactic gang-sign: the Zodiac.
You know the deal, astrology is the ancient pseudoscience that claims your character and destiny are understood by how the universe was aligned when you landed your very first make: a roll-in from your mom’s womb. And frankly, cervix says: “This Zodiac garbage is as murky as
Loch Ness.” Supposedly, your sign will propel you through life and can predict the future. But mostly it will give you a point of reference to discriminate against those with other, more-shitty signs. And astrology’s broad predictions are so vague they apply to any primate who happens to read them. Roughly 593 million people on Earth share your Zodiac sign. So you, Bangkok Brian, Moscow Mikey, and a half-billion others are all synchronized star-children? Perfectly logical.
Does the cosmic tug and pull of these far-off fireballs (and our more neighborly planets) help shape our lives from birth? Let’s take a look at this re-polished turd from an old issue...
AQUARIUS — The Water Bearer ( Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 )
Sign Traits: When you laugh, sometimes you start clapping; it’s totally unnecessary, almost infantile, really. / You have a unique Andrew Reynolds style. Wait, no...we meant to say that you’re a complete Android Hemorrhoids pile. Did you see what we did there?
Predictions: A life-altering bad haircut is in your immediate future. But do not run from fate: destiny and Supercuts await! / You will soon go for a walk and bump into Walker Ryan, Clint Walker, Kyle Walker, Tabias Walker, and Gailea Momolu.
PISCES — The Two Fishes ( Feb. 20 - March. 20 )
Sign Traits: Your near-psychotic passive-aggressiveness is a treat to behold. It doesn’t have the desired effect you seek at all. People actually get a kick out of it.
Predictions: Beware a bad-breath stranger with ornately-groomed face fungus. He will offer the gift of spots, but his van is windowless for a reason.
ARIES — The Ram ( March. 21 - April. 20 )
Sign Traits: Ram, you can’t hang with your hefty, cloven-hoof half-brother Taurus (the bull), so you push around wimpy-legged goats and lambs. / Your video part is not “coming along,” so stop saying that.
Predictions: A chain reaction starting from one of your bailed backside 5-0s prevents the eventual birth of the man who was destined to slay the Antichrist. Hell on Earth is thus ensured. It’s a long story.
TAURUS — The Bull ( April. 21 - May. 21 )
Sign Traits: When you get tossed something, you tend to not catch it. Your friends have noticed this for years and they get a little more bummed each time.
Predictions: You regard strangers as friends you haven’t met yet, and this guiding philosophy will enrich your life immensely. And yet, the United Nations will designate your foot odor a banned weapon of chemical warfare. Ha! Can you imagine?!
GEMINI — The Twins ( May. 22 - June. 21 )
Sign Traits: Your name got butchered in Photograffiti and to this day you think it C-Blocked your skate career. Hey, “Neil” is very commonly misspelled as “Nard.”
Predictions: You lead a skate revolution and establish the Mall Grab as a practical and comfortable way to carry a board which also avoids griptape burn on your clothes.
CANCER — The Crab ( June. 22 - July. 22 )
Sign Traits: Within the grand cosmic mystery, Cancer is a distinct and irreplaceable component of astrology. But here on Earth, Cancer is a malignant cell-division disease which kills millions. Your sign sucks, bro.
Predictions: You are soon going to find that this article is too long and has completely lost steam. Guaranteed.
LEO — The Lion ( July. 23 - Aug. 22 )
Sign Traits: Hey there, superstar. When you enter a room you’re usually greeted with “Leo, you son of gun! We’ve been waiting for you!” / You’re known for being dashing, determined, and honestly, kind of a dipshit.
Predictions: You open a pizza joint with Figgy called “Killer Pizza.” Sales are brisk, until people start choking and dropping like flies. / You will believe that you “accidently” got lost on the way to an empty pool. However, your friends deliberately gave you wrong directions.
VIRGO — The Virgin ( Aug. 23 - Sep. 23 )
Sign Traits: Your yellow, coned-ass wheels betray the fact that you’re no “weekend warrior.” You’re a once-a-year weirdo. / Bucking current trends, you actually hate all these goddamn haters.
Predictions: You will entrust Fred Gall with your life savings and let him handle your finances. His lack of communication will concern you. / On a Hawaiian trip, you will trespass onto Danny Way’s property, smoke some doobie, and accidently burn down his Mega-Ramp.
LIBRA — The Balance ( Sep. 24 - Oct. 23 )
Sign Traits: Whenever a bro offers a handshake, fist pound, or fist bump, you panic and always pick the wrong one. (Yeah, this material is dated but it killed back in 2005).
Predictions: If you say “Was that switch?” one more time your Aunt will get diabetes. / Your under-the-bridge DIY project ends in tragedy when you bury yourself alive in ’crete.
SCORPIO — The Scorpion ( Oct. 24 - Nov. 22 )
Sign Traits: Bummer, born under a bad sign. Maybe there’s something to that whole reincarnation thing and you’ll get another shot. / You quietly hope the Mob vs Black Magic griptape wars flare up again.
Predictions: You’ll meet the love of your life, you’ll forget to clear your web-browsing history, you’ll never see her again.
SAGITTARIUS — The Centaur Archer ( Nov. 23 - Dec. 21 )
Sign Traits: You have infamous skate tenacity—you don’t leave until you land it. And that’s rad if you’re Chris Cole, but your 50-tries-deep “manual to Ollie North” is a real fun killer, dude.
Predictions: After a slam, you will develop an alarming Rodney Mullen-type speech pattern, but with none of his intelligence.
CAPRICORN — The Sea-Goat ( Dec. 22 - Jan. 20 )
Sign Traits: You kind of look like a werewolf who got stuck halfway through its transformation. / You emanate energy—it practically jumps off you on to others, as does your head lice.
Predictions: The youth mentorship program you help create—The Andy Roy/Braydon Szafranski Council For The Childrens, is an unlikely success. However, your Crail-Tapout ultimate fighting series (with dudes wrestling on the Crail Couch), is an utter failure.