Certified Piece of Suck: Skatepark Reviews

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By Adam Creagan

When confronted with a crappy skatepark there’s that thing where people say, “Well, if you found these spots on the street you’d be stoked.” It’s an optimistic, glass half-full skate strategy. And it’s also a sinister mix of denial and excuse-making that avoids the obvious: These turd burgers should have been made correctly the first time. As seen in the September 2012 mag, here we go again...

Below, you'll find that our 10-point skatepark rating system is instructive, detailed, and completely unnecessary. It also contains an alien flipping you off.
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s1
If the sign out front says “Skateboard Obstacle Course,” you’re bummin'. This dog park really bites.

s2
Parking blocks and skating have a rich history, but c'mon, even boardslides have their limits.

s3
Winchester Mystery Handrails can only be ridden by skate ghosts.

s4
"All the world's a stage" and so is 85% of this park. Some blockheads who didn't think outside the box poured this clunker.

s5
Rock fakie, tail tap, rock fakie, tail tap...now burn down this thin, rinky-dink thing.

s6
A lesson in circular logic: We clearly have here a lousy park. But that’s OK because it’s shitty anyway.

s7
We suspected P-Shop trickery but, rain or shine, this King of Crap is all too real.

s8
A Rosemary’s Baby that should have never been conceived.

s9
Bath salts and dubstep must be involved here. There's also a faint whiff of an "art" installation at a European musical festival.

s10
The hills are alive with the sound of no one skating. Here's pricey real estate with million-dollar views of a 10-cent suck park. Nice barriers, though.

s11
A grass roll-away pierces the heart of skate stoke.

s12
This mega-mellow snooze seems harmless but skaters have actually fallen asleep and died while riding it.

s13
So bad it’s almost rad, here’s a monument to brain transplants.

s14
The street skating area is not ideal. Nor is it remotely designed from a reality-based understanding of how skateboarding works. But what’s important is that they tried.

s15
"Leve-me para o seu curso de colisão skate da morte" means "Take me to your skateboard collision course of death!"

The person who sends us photos of the worst skatepark or obstacle gets a free Thrasher package. Send to [email protected] (300 dpi, 5 inches wide). For the prize, photos should be of your hometown park. But you can also send whatever garbage you find out there.

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