Certified Piece of Suck 2015


Words and animation by Adam Creagan

Is it really necessary to take cheap shots at small communities who, with good intentions and limited resources, did their best but came up short in building local skateparks? Hell yes! Constructive criticism serves an important purpose and most, if not all, of these parks were clearly designed without consulting an actual skateboarder. How do we know? Because we have eyeballs. And yours may start to cry when you see these worthless mounds of lost opportunity.

Below, you'll find that our 10-part skatepark rating system is confusing, redundant, and animated for no real reason. It also contains an alien flipping you off.




If you squint, this park is sort of okay. Better yet, just imagine you’re somewhere else.


So bad we can barely cope. Someone laid serious pipe here.
 


This odd job has even Nyjah saying “Nah, nah.”


Skate plaza? C'mon, man…
 


A dumb lump gets a permanent “time out” in the corner.
 


These are in Barcelona? Nowhere is safe from Suck!


Color this thing Badd all you want, a bulldozer is needed—not more paint.
 


You can’t spell simplicity without limp and pity.


A field of dreams that is a real nightmare.


Even a righteous summer rain can’t wash away the stink on this lousy slab.


Ancient Chinese proverb: beware bogus turds on the path to wisdom.
 


This sacktacular rail is testicular torture. (It’s called alliteration and it’s hilarious)
 


Five handrails to hell plus a devilishly kinked corner pocket.


Drop in and wish upon one of the stars you see from your concussion.


"Nikolas" and "Jorg" are not tags. Those are two dudes who died of boredom at this park.
 


Fun for a minute and then straight to bed for you.


No comment.


Until next time, attend those damn park-planning meetings!

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