Zorchémon Go: The Skate Game

9/13/2016

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Like an infectious, untreatable disease, that one phone app where you hunt down invisible monsters went viral like the Black Plague. It sucks for us, because we just happened to be putting the finishing touches on our own similar game where you snoop around for skate critters through your phone. We lost out on hundreds of millions of dollars and worldwide cultural domination but we’re not bitter. Here’s the characters we were cooking with...

Illustrations by James Callahan / Words by Adam Creagan

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DESCRIPTION: This skate creature is talented enough to have sponsors but has trouble standing out in today’s saturated market. He also has trouble paying bills and affording food to eat. He’ll try to sell you a board from a company you’ve never heard of as well as three yellow-ass wheels (the fourth wheel comes free!)

COMBAT POINTS LEVEL: $4. Or best offer

RARITY: You’ll see him around. Maybe he’ll see you first

HABITAT: Skateparks and non-bust street spots

TYPE: Talented / Broke

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DESCRIPTION: Here’s a tired turtle who quit skating and things have never been quite the same. His adult responsibilities crushed his spirit and now he just wants to break out of his shell and ride again. He still “skates” with his fingers around his desk and watches videos online, but the call of the wild beckons.

COMBAT POINTS LEVEL: 30-year mortgage

RARITY: He could be right by you and you wouldn’t even notice

HABITAT: Known to dwell in cubicle country

TYPE: Reptile / Kinda Overweight

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DESCRIPTION: Skating is not a sport but no one ever told this over-bearing Skate Coach father. With strict discipline on his mind and organized team sports in his heart, he forces skating upon his kid. The fun soon evaporates like the hype surrounding a childish video game app.

COMBAT POINTS LEVEL: 20 push-ups and 10 kickflips

RARITY: You’ll hear him before you see him

HABITAT: Here and there

TYPE: Kangaroo / Mustache

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DESCRIPTION: This mysterious spirit is said to embody skate stoke itself. He cannot be captured but he is known to appear whenever the good times are rolling. He can be summoned only by bombing a hill, learning a new trick or cheering on someone else’s make.

COMBAT POINTS LEVEL: Beyond measure

RARITY: He’s within all of us

HABITAT: Wherever the urethane spins

TYPE: Ghost / Shadow

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DESCRIPTION: Born for the spotlight, this contest killer already has his sights on the next Olympics. Forget energy drinks, this stud has already lined up acne cream and teeth-whitening sponsors.

COMBAT POINTS LEVEL: Solid Gold

RARITY: More and more of them everyday

HABITAT: Indoor training facilities

TYPE: Bag / Douche

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DESCRIPTION: This skatepark lurker waxes everything in sight while maintaining a shit-eating grin of pure obliviousness. It’s not clear whether he thinks wax actually helps or if he just likes watching people get smoked on slip-outs.

COMBAT POINTS LEVEL: 0 to 60

RARITY: One in every town

HABITAT: Whichever skatepark is the worst within a 25-mile radius

TYPE: Candle / Soap

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DESCRIPTION: On any given day when he can’t decide whether to rollerblade, scooter, extreme pogo stick, or yo-yo, this little bastard does them all at once...plus while vaping!

COMBAT POINTS LEVEL: 420/24/7

RARITY: Not too rare at all

HABITAT: He’ll get in your way at some point or other

TYPE: Bug / Gnat

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DESCRIPTION: This lunatic is a skate demon. He is a tornado of slams, makes, reckless attempts, and everything else that comes in between. He’ll clean out your fridge and pollute your bathroom, but he knows where all the best ditches and pools are.